Lame Jokes & random funny thoughts

eh, why not!? everyone loves em! :laugh:

what do ye do with a dog with no legs?

take him out for a drag!
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how can my feet smell if they dont have a nose?

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3 men are walking down a city sidewalk. 2 of them walk into a bar. the 3rd one ducks.

a man comes home one day and asks his wife...

"if i won the lottery, what would you?"

his wife quickly answered back...

"id take half of it and then leave you!"

the man stood there for a second and said...

"i have a $12 winner, heres $6 now get the hell out!"

*facepalm*

a man and wife was running low on their income due to the rising prices of everything.

the man sat down with his wife one night and said....

"honey, i really hate to suggest this, but we both know my job isnt paying enough and we cant afford for you to be an at home mom anymore. and we have some really big bills coming up. and like i said, i hate to ask you this... but maybe you should start prostituting yourself?"

the wife looks at her husband with a look of shock and says....

"i dont know if i could do that... it wouldnt be right. but you are right, we need the money. ill have to think about it for a few days."

two days later the wife brings up the topic again to her husband and says....

"ok, ill do it..."

the husband replies back...

"go my love, make our fortune!"

several hours later she comes home with $3.10. her husband said....

"WTF!!?? who paid you the 10 cents!!???"

the wife answers back....

"they all did!!"

Rudas Starblaze wrote:

a man and wife was running low on their income due to the rising prices of everything.

the man sat down with his wife one night and said....

"honey, i really hate to suggest this, but we both know my job isnt paying enough and we cant afford for you to be an at home mom anymore. and we have some really big bills coming up. and like i said, i hate to ask you this... but maybe you should start prostituting yourself?"

the wife looks at her husband with a look of shock and says....

"i dont know if i could do that... it wouldnt be right. but you are right, we need the money. ill have to think about it for a few days."

two days later the wife brings up the topic again to her husband and says....

"ok, ill do it..."

the husband replies back...

"go my love, make our fortune!"

several hours later she comes home with $3.10. her husband said....

"WTF!!?? who paid you the 10 cents!!???"

the wife answers back....

"they all did!!"

He's married to Spoken?!

you and SV are so harsh to each other! ima start calling you two the destructive duets!

Rudas Starblaze wrote:

you and SV are so harsh to each other! ima start calling you two the destructive duets!

She has an entire LIST of stupid things I've said, hows that for abusive?

ereshkigal wrote:

She has an entire LIST of stupid things I've said, hows that for abusive?

i cant wait for her to post em!

Rudas Starblaze wrote:

ereshkigal wrote:

She has an entire LIST of stupid things I've said, hows that for abusive?

i cant wait for her to post em!

*shakes fist*

ereshkigal wrote:

*shakes fist*

we aint doing the hokey pokey here hun!

ereshkigal wrote:

Rudas Starblaze wrote:

a man and wife was running low on their income due to the rising prices of everything.

the man sat down with his wife one night and said....

"honey, i really hate to suggest this, but we both know my job isnt paying enough and we cant afford for you to be an at home mom anymore. and we have some really big bills coming up. and like i said, i hate to ask you this... but maybe you should start prostituting yourself?"

the wife looks at her husband with a look of shock and says....

"i dont know if i could do that... it wouldnt be right. but you are right, we need the money. ill have to think about it for a few days."

two days later the wife brings up the topic again to her husband and says....

"ok, ill do it..."

the husband replies back...

"go my love, make our fortune!"

several hours later she comes home with $3.10. her husband said....

"WTF!!?? who paid you the 10 cents!!???"

the wife answers back....

"they all did!!"

He's married to Spoken?!

ROFL!!! As soon as I read that joke, I was going to ask if he was talking about you! ihearthateyou.

Just to chime in so RS isn't all by himself: What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!! Hahahaha...

awwwwwww, theyre fighting over me again!

Rudas Starblaze wrote:

awwwwwww, theyre fighting over me again!

Yeah...thaaaaaaaat's what we're doing...

Ok, lame joke.

*pulls trigger*

BANG!

Dead joke.

Two old jewish ladies are waiting at a buss stop when a purple creature with tentacles slithers by, followed closely by an orange creature with ten legs and two huge claws.

One lady looks at the other and says...
OY! It's just one damn thing after another!

this one depends on age as its one my son made up and hes 9.

why do fish like salt water?






cause pepper makes em sneeze! lol

Of course it's meant for kids...lol

You're so easy, a caveman could do you! Ahahaha... XD

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

lmfao! oh thats good!

Yep!

Here's something daft to have a look at

A parody/redub of Dog the Bounty Hunter
(The accents sound Mancunian, but I'm no expert.. silly stuff anyways)

Dog The Bounty Hunter Redub

Close Encounters - inappropriate soundtracks

LOL

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"